Torn

Life is crazy... I feel like my heart is being torn between two people. But at the same time it's not. It's a really weird situation to be in. I never would've thought I would have these feelings, at least have them come to the surface. I think that I always knew they were there, but I didn't think that they would ever arise like this.. There's this boy. and then there's that boy. One boy gives me butterflies and I'm constantly happy when i talk to him, text him, see him, talk about him.. Anything to do with him puts me on a high. But then there is the other boy who I think, things could really work out with, who wouldn't want to be with their best friend? It seems like it could be the right decision, but the complete wrong decision at the exact same time. I don't know what to do.. Hide my feelings that I've been hiding for so long or let them out.? I think letting them out would just make a mess of things.. It's probably better to just leave them locked up. Espcially for boy ones sake. ugh. Dating. Uggghhh!

a HUGE update! :)

So I decided that my new years resolution is going to be to keep up with this thing a lot more often! :) haha..

My life has been so great lately! I love everything about it... I love that finals are over and I have time to spend with my family and friends! I truely have so much love for my brother and sisters! I love growing up with them.

Colton is getting so big and we are getting closer all the time. He's like 6'1" or so now. He's about got my dad. It's funny! He's thinks he is so tough! But he can definately beat me up now! haha.. I use to be able to take him but now he is too tough! Pics aren't loading very well right now. I'll have to add them later!

Jarae is so dang cute! Everything about her.. She's a lot like me and she really is my Twin! haha.. I love her. She's such a ditz. We love to just listen to whatever she has to say because it's usually a blonde moment she has going on. She's such a goof!

Krista and I are getting along a lot better now! It's great. We've grown a lot closer together. Chasing boys together has been pretty fun!

Jacey is definately one of a kind. but you gotta love her! She's getting sooo big! Her feet are already bigger than mine and she is only in 7th grade. She is probably taller than me now too. It's crazy how things like this are happening. I remember when these girls were like 2 yrs old!

Jade is just Jade.. Ha ha.. She's getting a temper! Well I guess she has always had her little temper but now that she is 13 it's her teenager temper! OH MY! ha ha.. I love her though. I've always wanted to go to hair school but I just don't see that happening for me. Jade can already do everyone else's hair just as good as me. She loves it and she can sit and primp in the mirror ALL day if she wanted to. We always are calling her a girly girl! She gets so mad. ha ha

I love my mom and dad! They are amazing! My dad is so cute, he misses me all the time. I always get calls from him if I haven't been home in like a week or 2 from him saying, so sky do you even remember who we are anymore. Or whose this? ha ha.. He's a dork. We have a lot of fun together. My mom is my mom! Oh my.. She always gets into these sewing moods when Christmas time comes around. And we all get new sweat outfits and pajamas for Christmas! It's a great tradition that I'll always remember! I love that I have the taletns that she has too. I love sewing!

I love getting together for the Holidays! All my family gets together for Christmas.. My Aunt and her kids, we have a new tradition where we all spend Christmas together. This will be the third consecutive year we have done it. It's fun. All of us kids get together and sleep in the same room and our parents usually set up some trap to try and get us to stay in the room longer in the morning so they can sleep in but it never works and we always get through them. haha.. They think they are so smart! I'm excited for this year. I love everything about this time of year. Although it seems as though Christmas has came so fast! Where did the dang time go? I love the christmas lights.. they are probably one of my most favorite parts, or the tree. Or the snow! I love love love snow! Its so beautiful and fun! So anyway.. I'm real excited for all the traditions we get to repeat once again this year!

And I just have to say a few things about my friends as well! I love them all so much! I have met soo many new people this year and it's been so much fun! A lot of that thanks can go to Brandt.. He is always meeting new people, and then I get to meet them! YAY! haha.. I love making new friends! Speaking of Brandt its' been almost a year since i've known the kid. We've grown so close and I'm thankful for that. I love having him as a friend, it's weird to think what life would be like without him now.. whenever something happens he is usually the first person I want to tell... :) I love him!

Whitney and I have been having soo much fun lately! I love that girl so much.. ohhh emmmm ggggg! haha! She hates when I say that! Wow we've really had a lot of fun this past month or two! however long its been! All we do is laugh! that's my favorite thing of course! haha.. We went to Blanding to just take a few days to veg and it was amazing! We stayed with my Navajo family who i must say I have a lot of love for too! All of them.. Trav! OH TRAV! I love this kid! He's awesome! He's leaving on a mission real soon though! I'm so proud of him! I'm gonna miss him! Blanding trips just won't be the same without him! And Bud and Shea, they are the funniest brothers a girl could ever ask for ;)... When we were there I was laughing so hard that I was crying.. they got pics of it.. Ohh my! Good times! I'm just thankful to them for always welcoming me into their home!

I'm so proud of Kaylyn! She finally got her mission call too! Sheesh what am I going to do with all these missionaries leaving me! I'm horrible at writing letters too, if you couldn't tell by how much I keep up with this thing! haha.. She'll be a great missionary! She's soo good with people!

I miss my roommates.. it's only been what two weeks that I haven't seen them.. I l0ve them all so much! And i'm so thankful for how close we have all became.. Especially considering all that we've been through..

And then there is Kritter! Oh boy do I love this kid so much! He's in tahiti right now and I hate not talking to him.. I usually go over to his apt like every day and snuggle up with him in his bed while we chat about everything! He's another brother that I have.. haha.. I love how much closer we have became too! I love that boy so much!

I have a hard time keeping updated with this thing! :( haha..

School has been soo crazy hard lately! It makes me want to rethink dental hygiene. But when I think about it in the long run I know it'll be worth it:)

Speaking of school I love my roommates soo much right now. We have been through sooo much together and it has only brought all of us closer! I can't even explain how much I love them! I am so blessed to have been put with the roommates that I have... We do everything together and we just decorated our apartment and it is sooo cute.

We are having a decorate your front porch contest here at park place this year for Halloween and whoever wins gets 250 bucks! We have the best idea ever! I'm so excited!

And I just want to say how much I love this time of year! I love everything about fall! The mountains, the breeze, the colors of the leaves, halloween and getting ready for it to SNOW!! (which I can't wait for) The other day Ashley and I were driving around town, with the windows down, country music on and it was amazing! I love her sooo much! I don't know what I would do without her in my life right now!

I've been having all these spiritual experiences lately... It's been so great! I love it. I miss having such a strong testimony and I want it back soo bad! I've started reading my scriptures again and that has helped out a lot! I hung out with this boy a few nights ago and when I'm around him I just have this insane feeling to be the best person I can be. It's crazy and I don't really know how to explain it! I'm so excited! I want to enroll in an institute class too (yeah add another class to the schedule) ha ha! I'm real sad I became "inactive" this past little while... Anyway I'm real excited about my life! I'm loving it a lot and having so many wonderful memories happen that I never want to forget..

Went down to Fillmore this past weekend.. Picked up Mav from the airport! He's finally home! I've been so excited about it! Can I just tell you how much love I have for my family.. They awesome! Well, it's the hunt (hence being in filly) and My dad, Colton, Jacey, Jarae, Krista and I all drove out and onto some trails that we could take the precious suburban on and we had such a blast.. we were laughing the whole dang time.. ha ha.. Jarae is such a character.. I don't know where she gets it from but I love the heck out of her.. She is the most ditzy person I know.. It's the cutest thing ever.. Colton and I just sat in the front seat and laughed the whole time.. My dad was like, No wonder we never see anything, we laugh too much and too loud! ha ha.. Then we were all like, yeah but think of all the crazy memories we have.. Hunting is so much fun with my family.. I go more for the experience than the "hunting" part. That's how it has been for as long as I can remember.. :)

My dad is soo funny.... look at his cute little mullet! I love him so much!

Summer!

Wow I haven't wrote anything new on here for so long. Well I had such a FUN summer! I made so many new friends! It's been great! I took a few trips around the state!! I got Brandt, Turpy and Myrt to come and stay at my house and we went to the Drive in!! Then we went horse riding and to the hot pots in Fillmore.. I actually went on a few horse rides this summer! They were fun!

I ate at Hooters for the first time when we sent mav off..! ha ha.. that was his choice! It was really fun though!
I went to Blanding to play in a softball coed tourny and I was adopted into a Navajo family!
I love them! Then from there I headed to Lake Powell and had such a blast just chillin and not having a sense of time! I went to St. George and played in a 2 night all nighter tourny! That was really fun! It was something that I had never done before! Myrt was there and we ended up losing to his team! L( It was perfect weather when we were playing and I actually rolled my ankle there for the first time ever. :*( ugh! That was no fun! It still hurts me!

The 24th of July was also another highlight! LOVE IT! I say it's my Christmas in the summer! I love the derby! I brought my navajo friend Trav and introduced him to the derby! he loved it! even though it's soo redneck! :)
I even ran into Darrin a couple of times! I love this kid! :)
And my old roommate Cassie took me to a Josh Turner concert up in Evanstan Wyoming! (Cassie is probably the most NON-country music fan) I'm so proud of her for going! She got the tickets for my birthday and it was sooooo much fun! And Josh Turner has such a sexy voice! Mmmm!
This obviously isn't covering everything form the summer but a lot of it! I had a blast! I counted all the softball tourny's that I played in and I think it came to 9 or 10! This weekend I'm off to another one, the spanish fork all-nighter! I love coed! It's pretty much my life! I'm on 3 league teams! wowzars! I pay in Mt. Pleasant on mon and tues when I can. I usually work on Monday nights so I can't play then. I am on a team in Payson.. Brandt pretty much forced me to sign up ;)! That leauge is every wed night. So if they don't have enough girls I can go up there to play! And then there is intramurals!! It's every wed and thurs night.. So that kinda clashes with Payson.. UGH!! I'm so dumb! I should just learn to tell ppl no! I was originally just going to play in Payson but then a team in Mt. didn't have enough players one night and they asked me to be on their team so I of course said yes! I love it! What do ya expect???

also changed my major, I'm going into dental hygiene! So I'm also going to school and getting my pre req's taken care of.. which are, anatomy, microbiology, and pyschology! Those three classes make up 11 credits! I'm also taking bowling! :) So my life is crazy busy!! But I love it! I also met this kid here at school! What a hottie! But he is 2 years younger than me and I don't know how I feel about this yet! :S I kinda like him though ;) The next adventure in my life is an 18 hour drive to oklahoma! Mav is graduating from Basic and I'm going! I've been tellin him that I'm not though so he is gonna be surprised! Kaylyn is coming with us! :) I'm super excited!

ughhhhhhhhh

So I have decided that I have a problem............

It's a chasing problem...........

with boys................

why don't I ever really like the ones that like me????????? I mean I'll like them, and I have soooo much fun with them!!

But when they like me, and I can't chase after them anymore.. I loose interest!

Or I'll like them a lot when I'm with them but when I'm not, I don't really care so much...

I HATE this problem! I don't understand it!

I've been in a weird place lately and I don't really know how to expain it! When people ask me what's up I just brush it off and pretend as though everything is fine.. But really inside I'm all confused and like torn up.. But I can't even tell you what I'm torn up about because I don't even know... I haven't felt like this in a long while..

How do I fix this problem............??????

here are my 8 that Brandt tagged me on...

Eight things I'm looking forward to:
1. Softball Tournament tomorrow!
2. Lake Powell
3. The weekend!!
4. Seeing Casey!!
5. Seeing Landon...
6. The 24th of July!!! (derby)
7. School, so I can live with my Roommates again!
8. SLEEP...

Eight things I did this weekend:
1. Played Softball..
2. Slept
3. Ate at Hooters
4. Saw Mav for the last time in awhile.. :(
5. Celebrated Fathers Day
6. Hungout with Brandt & Teresa
7. Saw Tara for the first time all summer
8. hung out with the WHOLE fam

Eight things I wish I could do:
1. Go
2. back
3. in
4. time or
5. way
6. forward
7. to the future
8. .....Time travel!

Eight shows that I watch:
1. House
2. Friends
3. One Tree Hill
4. Ace of Cakes
5. 24... starting
6. Hannah Montana
7. Challenge cooking channel
8. CMT!!!

Eight Places I'd like to travel:
1. IRELAND
2. Italy
3. Austrailia
4. Hawaii
5. New Zealand
6. Egypt
7. London
8. Paris

Eight people I tag:
1. Whitney
2. Kaylyn
3. Lacey Jo
4. Janelle
5. Camie
6. ....
7. I need more friends on
8. here......... :( I suck

Alone....

I have to get up an hour earlier in the morning and I can't sleep... My heart hurts right now....

Have you ever been in a room FULL of people and you feel like you are the only one there??? I don't like this feeling so much.. but it seems that lately I feel so alone.. so lost in this world! I don't know where to go, who to turn to or what I should be doing sometimes! Some days I feel like I am in the place where I am supposed to be... But other days I feel completely opposite! I miss my Shi Shi and My Micah Mattie..

I can't get them outta my head.

I think about them everyday..

I miss everything about them...

I miss Micah coming into my room at night and cuddling with me till we both fell asleep.. I miss her hugs and her taking care of me.. I miss our long talks and I have yet to like a cowboy again.. I miss her random songs she made up as she sang them... I miss listening to music.. I miss our drives up the canyon and our camping trips.. I miss how crazy she was all the time.. I miss all the names she use to call me... "Skyler Suzanna Smith Johansen!!!"

I miss Shilo always making up crazy dance moves and practicing them in the mirror thinking no one was watcher her.. I miss her yelling at me cause I cooked Baccon.. I miss watching grey's anatomy with her.. I miss her scotcheroos.. I miss our long talks for all hours of the night.. I miss her listening to the veronicas all the time.. I miss her plastic surgery nose.. I miss her little first aid kit that she used like every day.. I miss her little diet pepsi bottles not laying everywhere...

There is sooo much more I could go on about.. I feel like I'm so alone in this world without these two right now... Yeah I have my best friends here and don't get me wrong I love them all just as much.... But I just feel so alone without them... I just wish that I could talk to them, hug them and tell them everything that is going on in my life.. I would have a million stories to tell....

Will the tears and the pain ever stop..??

:(. . .