23

3 days ago my baby turned 1 month old! I seriously cannot believe how big he is getting.  I think that he changes and looks different everyday! I just love him so much.  He slept in the crib in the other room the past two nights! The first night was kinda rough for me and I didn't sleep much. Neither did he.. I was worry about him like the whole night and after I fed him he had the hardest time trying to fall back asleep.. He cried and fussed for like an hour.  So I went and got him and put him in his basket by my bed and he fell right to sleep. But last night after I fed him, I wrapped him up and put him back in the crib and he slept till 8 this morning.  I'm so proud! He has been sleeping for about 4-5 hours through the night with one feeding in between.  I'm hoping soon he will start to sleep more through the whole night.. I can't believe I haven't slept through one whole night for the past month.  No wonders I never have any energy.  I feel so bad for Cam when he comes home and the house isn't clean.  I feel like I have no excuse for the mess but I do, it just doesn't sound like a good one. ;)

Well now onto today.. Today is Shilo's birthday and she would have been 23 today.  Here is where you can read about Shilo and Micah, my two best friends I'll never forget. It's crazy to think that she left this earth at only 19 and Micah at 21.  I have experienced so much in the past 4 years since they have gone.  So many things I wish they could have been here to go through with me. I miss them everyday.  They were my best friends and soul sisters!  I think about them often and am soo happy that I have the memories that I do.  Us three were inseparable and I wouldn't change that for anything.  I was going to delete my myspace a LONG time ago.  But there are still so many messages and things that I don't want to forget so I still haven't. ha I got on there today and found some old pictures from those days.. Here are a few...

They are seriously the most beautiful girls ever.  I just know they met and gave Ryker many many kisses before he was born.  This makes me happy.  Happy Birthday Shilo Anne! I love you so so very much and I am so grateful for you.  Keep watching over us all!  Love you!

Alone....

I have to get up an hour earlier in the morning and I can't sleep... My heart hurts right now....

Have you ever been in a room FULL of people and you feel like you are the only one there??? I don't like this feeling so much.. but it seems that lately I feel so alone.. so lost in this world! I don't know where to go, who to turn to or what I should be doing sometimes! Some days I feel like I am in the place where I am supposed to be... But other days I feel completely opposite! I miss my Shi Shi and My Micah Mattie..

I can't get them outta my head.

I think about them everyday..

I miss everything about them...

I miss Micah coming into my room at night and cuddling with me till we both fell asleep.. I miss her hugs and her taking care of me.. I miss our long talks and I have yet to like a cowboy again.. I miss her random songs she made up as she sang them... I miss listening to music.. I miss our drives up the canyon and our camping trips.. I miss how crazy she was all the time.. I miss all the names she use to call me... "Skyler Suzanna Smith Johansen!!!"

I miss Shilo always making up crazy dance moves and practicing them in the mirror thinking no one was watcher her.. I miss her yelling at me cause I cooked Baccon.. I miss watching grey's anatomy with her.. I miss her scotcheroos.. I miss our long talks for all hours of the night.. I miss her listening to the veronicas all the time.. I miss her plastic surgery nose.. I miss her little first aid kit that she used like every day.. I miss her little diet pepsi bottles not laying everywhere...

There is sooo much more I could go on about.. I feel like I'm so alone in this world without these two right now... Yeah I have my best friends here and don't get me wrong I love them all just as much.... But I just feel so alone without them... I just wish that I could talk to them, hug them and tell them everything that is going on in my life.. I would have a million stories to tell....

Will the tears and the pain ever stop..??

:(. . .

Life Experiences

So I should really be doing my homework right now because I have a test in Personal Finance tomorrow but I really Really don't wanna study!

My life has been crazy lately.. I go through my life day by day loving and enjoying everything I do.. Okay so maybe sometimes I really don't enjoy it that much but I learn from those things I don't enjoy right? Crazy things happen to people all the time and I always think to myself that it will never happen to me! We all do that.. I think it's just how we think sometimes. But sometimes we aren't the exception and sometimes those things that we think will never happen to us, do happen.

I had one of these experiences recently & it has really made me look at my life differently. On February 13, 2009 two of my best friends/roommates took off to head home for the weekend. Shilo and Micah. On their way home they lost control of the car because of the icy road conditions and they slid into the other lane, they were hit by another vehicle and both were killed instantly. When I first found 0ut I wouldn't believe it, I couldn't believe it. I had just hugged and told Shilo I loved her that morning and Micah the night before.

These two girls were not only some of my best friends, but they were my sisters. They were my family. I lived with both of them and I love them both so much! I was with them everyday and if I wasn't with them I was @ least texting them or something. I lived with Shilo last year too. We were best friends from the get go. Our personalities went perfectly together. We have so many memories together that I will cherish forever! This past week has been really really hard. It's hard for me to accept the fact that I will not be able to talk to either of them here on this earth again. I feel numb a lot of the time and when I'm in a room full of people I feel alone. I never really understood what that was like until now. I don't mean to be like pitty me and what not I just am really having a hard time with it. I know things will get better and I know that I will get to see both of them again someday. I am so grateful for the gospel and for the atonement. I'm so thankful that one day I can reunite with these two beautiful girls that have influenced my life so much! I love their family and I'm so grateful to them for welcoming me into their home and treating me as if I was a part of their family as well. I love my family too. So Much! I don't know what I would do without all of the love and support I have from them. And from my friends too. I have people still calling me and asking me how I'm doing and I am so grateful to them for that. I know I will get through this & I know it happened for a reason. I just miss them so so much and can't wait to see them again.